Time Stands Still

It's taken me some time to write about it.... Part of being a writer is waiting not only for the right time to write things down (when a series of events have passed that are worth writing about), but to as well be able to make sense of everything and how it makes an impact on your life; the story of your life. Today is one of my very few days off, and so… I write.

Coming back to Toronto wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Many of my relationships, friends, and family seemed to be frozen in time. Even though for some people it had been years since I had last seen them, nothing in our relationship had changed. J.R. was still a wild character, a little subdued and more mature than before, but still the same. Friends were still supportive, regardless of the rush and drama of their own lives... My own conclusion is that I've been smart in choosing my friends. I know which ones will last a long time, and therefore put that effort into staying connected to them. My hometown didn't change much either. A few more billboards, a few more buildings.... cosmetic changes really, but the speed and pace and vibe of the city remained. It's taken me a little bit of time to get adjusted to life again in the urban jungle. Friends have been asking the million-dollar question, "What's it like to be back?" All I can say is, "It's like putting on an old shoe." Very comfortable.

Once I got back, old habits of trying to do everything all at once resurfaced. Storytelling, Kappa Sigma, work, friends, family, and trying to become a superstar were constantly on my mind. I think in the first month being here, I figured I could do it all. I had done it before, so why not? With more and more things coming back to me, I slowly realized I couldn't. I mean that's what had nearly driven me insane before I left. Biting off more than I could chew. Not giving myself enough time to enjoy things quietly. Now, I'm working part-time at a call center doing customer service, while I do some extra work and plan my attack on the U.S. Decided to postpone Storytelling until January. I think giving myself more time to relax is better for me. When I'm tired I turn into a cranky bitch, so I'm sure you'd agree. With trying to organize events for the undergrads of Kappa Sigma and meeting with the alumni to be a part of the executive, I really already have my hands full anyway.

Two months into being back, and I'm also enjoying being single. I had already exhausted the men to be seen in the bars and clubs.... so I let a friend set me up with a profile online. My reluctance before would seem based on never believing you could meet anyone really amazing, in a two-dimensional environment. I thought, if I’m going to meet the man of my dreams, I would meet in person first. However, I've realized that times have changed and so have I. Everyone seems to prefer meeting people online now. It seems this is all our society has time for. Something to remark about in the history we're now experiencing. Nevertheless, on the first day my profile was up, I got 20 emails. And have had a steady stream of 7-8 emails, on average, a day. I've hooked up with a few casually, and emailed others as well. Not many to write you guys about. I'm sure you've pretty much gotten sick of hearing about my cue of men by now anyways. Just know this. I'm having fun, and looking at this online thing as purely an entertainment resource. It's really just another resource for meeting people, that's it.... and I'm cool with that.

I've had a little bit of evil fun being back. Entered the Mr. Leatherman Zelda's Contest, got second place, which became first place when the winner backed out. Unfortunately, it was too close to the MLT competition, so I couldn't enter that one. Had fun at the party regardless.... Saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long time. Including one Jody Ryan. What was that like? Not very eventful. I guess I had already put Jody behind me while I was in Vancouver. I was aware that he was in town this past weekend, but I wasn't looking for him. I had written a letter to him before in Vancouver, my own goodbye letter.... never sent it to him. I cleared the air on everything that bothered me about him, about us, and about what he did to me. When I finished it, I felt better. Like I had let every emotion that I had shoved down to the pit of my stomach, come up with the jab of my finger to my throat. Or finger to keyboard. There was nothing left to feel when I saw Jody again. I threw it all up, and flushed it away.

I didn't notice him at all. I was surprised when Jody came up to me at the party. He wanted to kiss me hello, so I let him. I didn't feel uncomfortable, but I didn't want to talk to him for very long. I didn't see any reason to talk to someone who I wasn't going to be friends with. There were plenty of other friends I wanted to catch up with. Jody apologized for not being able to reply to my last email. I shrugged it off. He mentioned how he had heard that I was back in Toronto, and asked me why I had returned. All I could say, which was my standard answer to everyone by this time, was because of family. I continued, my parents had finally come around. They had disowned me as their son for 6 years, because of my homosexuality. Now, there was no reason to be so far away from my family. I think he wanted to continue conversation, but I cut him off and told him that I had to go say hello to the DJ because he's a friend of mine. I also said I really wanted to get on the dance floor, and not stay on the sidelines.... something to that effect. Really, I just wanted to get away. Not because I felt uncomfortable, part of me just felt sorry for him. He didn't look good. Not healthy, not young, not good. I couldn't believe that I had been in love with him. My one thought was, he's not even the kind of guy I'd hang around with anymore. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought the less I talk to him, the less people will associate us as people that were in a relationship together. Either way, I didn't see him much more that evening. And when I did, I felt nothing. It's strange to feel nothing for someone who meant the world to you, only a few years ago; but life's lessons will have a strange affect on anyone.

I'm turning 31 this next weekend, and I haven't planned a thing. I guess I don't really want to do anything. Is this maturity... or am I just tired of planning too many things? Don't know. I think if I could plan anything at this point, it would be a quiet dinner, and a long bath. Let time stand still while relaxing in a small pool of tepid water, reflecting on my life thus far and the next steps to take. Giving myself time is the only gift I want. Just let it stand still for a little bit. Until the next morning when I walk to the pace of the jungle drum again. The vibe of the city, the rhythm of the streetcar tracks, the music of a million voices all working in unison. Ain't no other city like Toronto, man. Not a bad shoe afterall. Still, I do like to shop around.... don't know when I'll get a hankering to try on some brand new kicks, but for now I'm good.